Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did.

Do you know that song, Brian Wilson, by the Barenaked Ladies?  There is a line in it where they sing "I had a dream... that I was 300lbs...  and though I was very heavy, I floated 'till I couldn't see the ground."  I remember listening to it back in junior high (singing my fool heart out, natch) and thinking "Ew, 300 lbs?  That's, like, so fat."  Yeah.  *thumbs down*

I'll never forget the day I stepped on the scale and saw that ominous number.  A three.  It's a gross feeling, and I hope you never have to experience it.  To make matters worse, it was at a Weight Watchers meeting, and to add even more insult to injury the last two numbers weren't zeros.  I remember looking at the lady and thinking "what does she think of me?  Why did I do this?" as I fought back tears.  The lump in my throat felt like IT weighed 300 lbs, and I quickly gathered my things and moved on.  I came home and looked at my husband and all I felt was guilt.  I felt sorry for myself, but even more sorry for him.  He didn't deserve a 300+ lb wife.  Who wants to be married to someone who is as wide as they are tall.  Yuck.  Alas, this wasn't my first time at WW.  I had joined numerous times before.  Before this most recent attempt I had another memorable first weigh-in - I got on the scale and it said 292. *sad trombone* I was disgusted, and again, crying.  The lady was very comforting and tried to soothe my pain by telling me I was doing the right thing, and that I "would never see that number again."  At least she didn't lie to me!  I appreciated her faith in me, and I am embarrassed that I let her down.  A complete stranger, really, but guilt is my thing.

I never imagined that this would be my life.  Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be an alcoholic because at least then I'd be drunk instead of obese.  Obese.  What a terrible word, and a terrible category to be in.

Aside from self-loathing, the thing I hate about myself the most is that I'm afraid of so many things.  I know in my head that it's stupid, but I still can't shake it.  Most of the things are silly, like driving a go-cart, or being afraid to climb a ladder to get in a pool because I'm scared I will break it.  I only got in my friends' pool twice last summer because of it.  I spent most of my time standing on the deck watching everyone else have fun, because I wasn't sure how I'd get out of the pool, and if someone saw me break it I would die 1000 deaths.  The first time I allowed myself to get in, I told my friends flat out "If I break your pool ladder, I'm just going to get my stuff, and leave.  Don't talk to me, don't look at me, I don't want anyone to say anything.  I'll just get in my car, and go home."  And honestly, I was probably only 5% joking. I had to put it out there because the awkwardness if it happened would have been unbearable for me.  At least if I break the ice first, it's not as bad.  I hate going into regular clothing stores that don't sell plus size clothes.  This usually happens to me around Christmas and birthday season when I'm shopping for someone else.  When I take my items up to the cash they'll be all "oh, did you want to try these on first?"  "Ooh, good idea!  Let me go try to squeeze my ass into these size 2 dress pants.  I'm sure they will fit perfect."  Do they honestly think that I don't know I'm fat?  Do they think I am completely oblivious to the fact that I won't fit into their clothes?  Ugh.  Hate.  This goes for the old "Would you like me to start a fitting room for you?" spiel as well.  Obviously I will not fit into even your largest size, which might happen to be a 9.  Thanks for coming out though.

I do have other fears that aren't as silly, like being afraid that people won't want to help me because I'm fat.  If my car broke down, I think I'd have to stand on the side of the road for hours because people would laugh at me as they drove by.  Everywhere I walk I go super, super slow because I am terrified of falling.  There is really nothing funnier than someone falling down, but when that person is fat, it makes it all that much funnier.  I can't handle that.  I work so hard at putting up my "I can laugh at myself" façade and I think something like that would completely tear it down.  I wouldn't want all my hard work to go to waste.

So, back to the song.  "Somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground, somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground..." is so true.  I can't see the ground, but it's not because I'm floating like Brian Wilson.  I'm planted a little too firmly on the ground, unfortunately.