I've been here. STILL here! Still me. Still trying. It's been far too long since I've shared a slice of my life with the internets, so I decided to fire up my keyboard. I know you've all missed me (and by you all, I mean no one, because I don't have any followers. Just needed to remind myself of that!) so here goes nothing!
There have been a lot of changes in my big life lately. Most notably, my Miffy is in school. Real school! That means my two little birds have both flown the nest, and I have copious amounts of ME time! Woohoo! *sad trombone*. I'm not dealing with it well. I had huge plans of coffee dates (hot chocolate for me) with my girlfriends, and vigorous workouts at the gym after morning drop off at school, but we're two months in and it hasn't happened. Why, you might ask? Because I can't let go. I wasn't ready for this change. I need my baby here because she makes me feel needed, and wanted. So, what's the easiest way to fix my hurt? Follow her to school! Which I did, and do, every single morning. I volunteer (sometimes ALL day) at my daughters' school. Being needed, and wanted is huge for me, and I bask in it. Big time. On the days that I'm not needed for the whole day I just come home and watch the clock until it's time to go and get my girls. I knew it was going to be a rough transition for me, as I have spent the last 9 years at home with my sweet girls, and not nearly enough time doing anything for myself. I just don't know how to. You may roll your eyes, but it is 100% true. All I think about all day is picking up my little darlings and never letting them go. I have attachment issues, amirite? Yesterday I stood outside Miffy's classroom and secretly watched her reading with the teacher. I couldn't tell if my eyes were watering from pride, or sadness. The lump in my throat was almost painful. Obviously, I was crying for both reasons. I can't believe she is growing up so fast. I don't even want to get started on Beansie. Every time I look at her she looks older. It makes me sad, happy, proud, and sick all at the same time.
Even though I'm spending my days in a place where I know I'm needed, I still feel pretty worthless on a minute to minute basis. Spoiler alert!! I'm still fat. I know, I know... you're shocked! ;) I just celebrated my 35th birthday, which means I have spent approximately 17 years being too fat, and hating myself. That's a really, really, REALLY long time. Will this be the year for me? I have the time to devote to myself, I am back at Weight Watchers for the eleventybillionth time, and I have a great support system of friends surrounding me. Is it going to work this time? Who knows. I can cheer and scream "Rah! Rah! Yes! It! Will!", but that's probably not going to be accurate. The best I can give you right now is that I will try, and the most I can hope for right now is that someday I will be happy with me, and I will love me. Deep down that's all I want. Well, that, AND to be able to wear a pair of tall boots. Impossible to find any that fit my calves. Blargh.
