What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

Remember that movie?  Seems like a random title for a post, eh?  It's a regular Wednesday evening and I'm watching my husband play Xbox Kinect tennis, wallowing in self-pity.  As the video playback is running I'm watching him swinging his arms into nothing, and there in the corner of the screen sits what would appear to be Jabba the Hut in a red t-shirt...  or (and here's where it comes in to play) perhaps the mother from What's Eating Gilbert Grape.  Just substitute the bed for a forest green recliner.  Are you picturing it?

Remember when I told you I was funny, way back in my first post?  Well I am, but sometimes it comes at a price.  And that price, unfortunately, is my dignity.  95% of my humour is self-deprecating.  I do it because I want people to see me not as "that fat girl", but instead to see me as "that funny girl."  I'm not stupid.  I know how people think, and I know that the first thing they think when they meet me is "wow, she's fat."  They don't say it, but the thought is there.  One of my favourite quotes is "It doesn't matter how pretty my face looks, the only thing people see when they look at me is a fat girl."  - author unknown.  Just kidding, I'm the author.  I really feel that that's true.  This is where I turn on my personality plus.  Yeah, I might be the fat girl, but I'm also hella fun to be around because I try super, duper extra hard to be hilarious.  Whatever it takes, I'll pretty much do it.  It's probably not good for my self-esteem, but since that's already way in the negatives it really isn't going to hurt, is it?

Why yes, I'd love to wear that tiny bra over my gigantic hooters for the entire night.  Anything to make you like meee!!

I had a paper journal once.  My counsellor told me it would be a good thing for me to do.  I bought myself some post-its, and a nice hard cover book, and I filled the pages with self-affirmations, and mantras that I could read over, and over, and over again.  "I am worth it!", "I matter to people!" "I am pretty, no matter what size I am!"  "I can do anything I set my mind to!"...guess what I wrote on the cover?  "This journal makes me feel like a huuuuuge douche."  And it did.  I am a terrible liar, and saying that shit to myself was no exception.  I would read the things I wrote and roll my eyes so hard they almost left my face. I chucked it in the garbage.  Being nice to myself is not a skill I have mastered.  I'm really not entirely convinced that a lot of people are good at being nice to themselves.  I'm just particularly good at being bad to myself.  A lot of the time I will preface my ideas, or things I have to say to people with "I know this sounds dumb", or "I feel like an idiot saying this", and the like.  It's pretty bad, but let me tell you, I think I'd have an easier time putting down the crack pipe than I will quitting this habit.

So, this is the question I leave with this evening:  Am I worth it?  I want to say that I am, but you know that I don't believe that.  That being said, I will measure my worth by the number of people standing around to watch as I'm lifted out of my house by a crane.  I hope you're one of them. (Take pictures if you must, but please know that I will untag them on Facebook!)  (And see, again, self-deprecating!  It's a sickness!)